Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
