A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
