I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
