I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
