Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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