i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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