I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
