I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
