thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
