I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
