Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
