For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
3 2 1 whiskey
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
