Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
