Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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