6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
