wrigley field is MILF paradise
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
