Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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