You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
