Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
