Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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