god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
