life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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