Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
