I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
