I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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