I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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