We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
