I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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