John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
