Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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