then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
