Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
