mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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