Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
