You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
