so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
