Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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