Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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