just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
