I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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