I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize