drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
