I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
