It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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