I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
