we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
