I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
