if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
