Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
