i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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