The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just invented taco cereal.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
