just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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