i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
