I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
