The maid of honor just puked.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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